The damaging effects of impatience

Introduction

Elder abuse comes in many forms, some being more obvious and others more subtle and therefore easier to miss. One subtle form of elder abuse – which may surprise you – is impatience towards an older person.

Being on the receiving end of impatience is never pleasant for anyone. However, it can become harmful to the point of abusive when it affects how others perceive you and how you see yourself.

If you are older and you experience impatient treatment from someone else, it can be very upsetting and even affect your ability to function in the community. People who are more isolated or have lower self-esteem can be more vulnerable to other kinds of elder abuse.

How is impatience a form of elder abuse?

Patience is the ability to wait, or to continue doing something despite difficulties, or to suffer without complaining or becoming annoyed. We can all struggle with being patient at times. It might be something you have even noticed about how you react to other people. So how can impatience be abusive?

‘Elder abuse’ is a term used to describe abusive behaviour towards, or a lack of care that results in harm or distress to, an older person. Elder abuse doesn’t only occur between family members or informal carers – it can also take place in other kinds of relationships, such as with friends, neighbours or professional staff.

The National Elder Abuse Prevalence Study found that 1 in 6 older Australians (or 15%) reported experiencing abuse in the previous 12 months. This abuse may be psychological, financial, physical or sexual abuse or neglect.

Impatience falls under the psychological abuse category, which is the most prevalent form of elder abuse (12% of reported cases, according to the National Elder Abuse Prevalence Study). Psychological abuse can involve behaviour that makes you feel scared, intimidated or alone, and it can affect your self-esteem and confidence. Examples include bullying, name calling, pressuring, belittling – and being impatient.

Am I experiencing elder abuse?

Impatience is harder to identify as elder abuse because it has become somewhat normalised in society.

Think back to your recent interactions with others. Has anyone lost their patience with you? What was the situation, how did it make you feel, and was it resolved?

Ruth’s experience at the supermarket checkout

83-year-old Ruth enjoys her weekly supermarket visits, which she does by herself. Last time she went to pay for her groceries though, she could feel the eyes of the people queuing behind her. One man loudly sighed and aggressively told her to ‘hurry up’ as she was looking through her wallet for her bank card. Fortunately, a store employee helped Ruth and reassured her to take her time, but Ruth was shaken by the experience and is worried about returning to the supermarket in case she isn’t fast enough at the check-out.

Recognising impatience

Sometimes it can be easy to spot impatience: the horn sounding from the car behind you the second the traffic lights turn green. Someone pushing past you on the footpath or jumping a queue in front of you. Being hurried out the door.

Other times, impatience can be less obvious: someone finishing your sentence or interrupting before you have had a chance to answer. Being met with annoyance when you tell a story that the listener has heard before. Having your voice overruled before you have made a decision.

Being on the receiving end of impatience can elicit a range of emotions, from frustration and anger to embarrassment and shame. When the impatience is directed at you, an older person, it can also challenge your perception of your value and respect within your family or friendship group.

Gerald’s experience with his grandchildren

71-year-old Gerald enjoys chatting with his teenage grandchildren, but lately he has found that they don’t want to talk with him as much. When he tells them a story, they roll their eyes or interrupt him by saying, ‘We’ve heard that story a million times already!’

Gerald feels annoyed and disrespected by their reactions. His son has told the kids to be nicer to their grandpa, but this makes Gerald feel like he is being treated like a child himself.

What can you do about impatient treatment?

If you feel like you are being treated impatiently, you don’t need to put up with it. You have every right to be treated with respect and courtesy by everyone – we all do.

Think about whether there is a pattern to the impatience. While most of us lose our patience at some point, if it’s happening consistently or having a harmful effect on you, it needs to stop.

A conversation is always a good starting point, especially for something that can be as common as impatience. The person who is being impatient might not even realise the damage their behaviour is doing to you. By opening up the lines of communication, you can let the person know how their impatience makes you feel and how it is impacting your relationship. The conversation may feel awkward, but it can help clear the air and result in more respectful relationships going forward.

The best way to approach the conversation is to pick a time when everyone is calm, rather than immediately after a disagreement or an experience of impatience. It will be helpful to have examples of times when you felt like you were on the receiving end of impatience.

However, if talking about the impatient treatment doesn’t resolve the problem, you could try approaching someone else for help. For example, if the issue is caused by a family member, you could talk to someone outside the family, such as your GP or professional carer. Or, if the impatience is coming from a service provider’s worker, you could ask a family member to help you talk to the worker about it or even lodge a complaint with the service.

More information and help

• 1800 ELDERHelp (1800 353 374) is a free call that connects you with local information and advice on elder abuse. This service is a joint initiative of the Commonwealth Attorney-General’s Department and the state and territory governments.

• If the issue relates to a family member, you can also call the Australian Government’s Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321.

• Find out more about protecting yourself from elder abuse in ‘Steps I can take for me’ on Compass.