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Carer stress and abuse

Looking after an older person can have practical and emotional challenges. If you’re experiencing stress and overwhelmed – or even abuse – as an informal carer, help is available. 8 min read

Last updated: 29 December 2024

Introduction

Are you looking after an older person? Perhaps a family member, friend or neighbour who can’t manage without support? If you’re caring for someone out of love, relationship, kindness, necessity or obligation rather than payment, you’re among the 12% of Australians who are ‘unpaid carers’– and you may be experiencing carer stress, or even abuse.

Unpaid (or ‘informal’) carers report experiencing physical, emotional and financial stress at much higher levels than the general populations. Feelings of burnout, isolation, exhaustion and under-appreciation are common. And some carers experience abuse by the person receiving care.

While unpaid carers support people with all kinds of needs, including disability and mental illness, this article looks at unpaid carers of older people. It explains what unpaid care is, what the signs of carer stress can be, and where to get help. Yes, there are help services available to carers!

Image of an older man

What is an unpaid carer?

While many older people pay professional care services for help, around 4 in every 5 receive ‘informal’ or ‘unpaid’ care from partners, family members, friends and neighbours. These carers have played an important role in aged care that was largely unacknowledged up until the last 2 decades.

While the Carer Recognition Act 2010 (Cth) formally defines the unpaid carer role in relation to any kind of care situation, Services Australia’s definition is nice and simple. ‘Any help and support you offer [an older person], including physical and personal care, and emotional and social support, makes you a carer.’

The care can take many forms, like help to move around, bathing and toileting, financial help and home maintenance. The key thing is that the older person doesn’t pay you to do it.

Even if you receive government financial support such as the Carer Payment, it’s still ‘unpaid care’. And simply being the care recipient’s partner, child, relative or housemate doesn’t make you a carer – you must provide necessary care.

Unpaid carers in Australia: the numbers

Image of an older woman wearing glasses looking upward with her head resting in her left hand

What does carer stress look like?

Being an unpaid carer can be a difficult role. It may require a significant commitment of time and money. Unpaid carers often put their own needs aside to look after the older person and report feeling socially isolated. Many don’t get time to themselves or even a decent sleep. Some feel they don’t have the skills to do what the older person needs.

Caring can trigger all kinds of emotions, from resentment to guilt – especially if you’re also juggling work, family or community responsibilities. And if you’re a similar age to the older person you’re caring for, you may have your own age-related needs arising.

Unpaid carers commonly report experiencing:

  • psychological stress – feeling that they never make the right or best decision, constantly monitoring the older person’s location and activities, struggling to navigate provider websites

  • social isolation – from having less freedom to socialise and a continual focus on the care recipient

  • physical stress – lifting the person or helping them move, becoming the one doing all the household chores, getting little quality sleep

  • financial stress – whether it’s the care recipient’s future needs or meeting expenses now, often with opportunities for paid work reduced by the carer role

Signs of carer stress

  • Anxiety

  • Depression

  • Irritability

  • Loss of concentration

  • Overreactions to events

  • Health problems or changes

  • Money problems

  • Sleep problems

  • Feelings of guilt, resentment, being trapped or being stretched too thin

  • Problems at work due to your carer responsibilities

Denise’s story

Denise’s carer experience began at 73 when her husband, Bruce, was diagnosed with dementia at 74. She provided increasing levels of full-time care for the next 3 years until a move into residential care became necessary.

‘Uninterrupted sleep, enough sleep, refreshing sleep seemed impossible,’ she says now. ‘Your best never seems enough, and your decisions seem to be less than ideal, and taking time out seems selfish. The essential “you” gets lost, and you think of yourself only as a carer.’

Among the whirlwind of change, Denise found that needing to be constantly ‘hypervigilant’ and take sole responsibility for their life administration exacerbated the stress.

‘Having to always know where your loved one is, what they’re doing, if they need anything, whether you have enough time to do something before they come home or wake up – your brain and emotions are always on alert,’ she says.

Even though Denise had supportive people around her, she felt that their well-meaning efforts weren’t always successful.

‘People often want to tell you about their experience as a carer or with your loved one’s condition. Sorting out what’s helpful to you and your situation is actually stressful in itself.

‘And everyone tells you to take care of yourself, but very few can tell you what that means for you. Even fewer offer to take care of your loved one for a few hours so you can sleep or do something for yourself.’

Image of an older woman and man. The older woman is pointing at something in the sky.

Carer abuse

In 2020, researchers from QUT and Carers Qld found that more than 2 in 5 carers (41.6%) reported experiencing abuse by the person they cared for. Verbal abuse was the most reported form (35% of the reports), followed by physical abuse, property abuse, threatened harm and financial abuse. Older carers (aged 55 and over) reported experiences of abuse more than younger carers.

Unsurprisingly, the carers reported that experiencing abuse in a care relationship had direct effects on their mental health and wellbeing.

Abuse is not something that you need to accept as a carer. If it’s appropriate within the context of the older person’s condition, the first step is to try talking about the behaviour and its effect on you. It may be an easier conversation if you have another person with you – a family member or professional care worker, for example.

If that isn’t possible, talk about the situation with someone your trust. Ask them to help you contact a carer support service – look for the links at the bottom of this article.

Solutions and practical tips for carers

As a carer, you may often feel that your own needs must come last, perhaps because the older person’s needs seem more complex or critical. Or you might feel that there simply isn’t time left in the day to think about what you need and how you’re doing.

But you are important, too. Stress can cause long-term health problems, so looking after yourself is an investment in your own future. It’s hard, but it’s important.

  • Commit to self-care steps. Even the smallest thing – a few minutes given over to focused, deep breathing or a good stretch – can help you recharge and reduce overwhelm. Plan your days to include something that’s just for you, even if you have to be flexible about where it fits in.

  • Set boundaries. We all have limits. It’s okay to say ‘no’ when you know you’ve reached your limit or the care demands on you become unreasonable. And if you’re receiving abuse from the older person, saying ‘no’ is even more important.

  • Prioritise contact with others. Social disconnection is a common experience among unpaid carers due to the time and energy commitment caregiving requires. But seeing and talking to other people and doing social activities is exactly what you need – for your physical and your mental health.

  • Join a carers’ support network. It’s easy to feel alone, but finding other people who relate to your situation can be a huge relief. A support network can help you understand your feelings, find practical solutions and share the load. See our list of support organisations at the end of the article.

  • Get professional help. Counselling or therapy can put those mixed feelings of guilt, resentment, worry and overwhelm into perspective and provide practical ways to keep your emotional balance. Talk to your doctor or try the Find a counsellor directory on the Australian Counsellors Association website.

  • Consider respite care. This is when someone else takes care of the person you care for so that you can have a break, look after yourself and resume your normal activities for a while. Find out more about this option on the Australian Government’s Carer Gateway.

  • Ask for help – and accept it. Simply talking to someone can make a difference, so talk to another family member, a friend, a carer support network, a faith group or community service. Professional support for carers exists and can offer practical answers, from time management tips to financial help. See our list at the end of the article, including the Australian Government’s Carer Gateway.

Caring for carers – some tips for other people

If you know someone providing unpaid care for an older person, take the time to find out how they are coping. Here are some practical ways you can help a carer.

  • Give them a break – offer to stay with the older person so the carer can sleep, take a walk or go out for a coffee – whatever will give them some ‘me’ time to recharge.

  • Offer practical help with tasks like household administration, picking up groceries or navigating provider websites. Drive them and the care recipient to appointments or put meals in their freezer.

  • Find out about support services available to carers and ask if you can help the carer make contact.

  • Resist the urge to share your experience as a carer or your knowledge of the recipient’s needs unless it provides the carer with practical or emotional benefit. To guide you in deciding, ask questions about how the carer is coping and listen to what they say. This is about them, not you!

  • Talk about things other than the carer role. Help them remember their own sense of self and identity other than ‘carer’.

  • Listen and lend a shoulder so the carer can simply let their feelings out now and then. Avoid judgement about what you hear and simply allow them room. Offer a hug, a cup of tea or a box of tissues.

Image of an older woman with long grey hair that is pulled back

Support and practical help for unpaid carers

Information about unpaid care in Australia

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